**TRIGGER WARNING**
On this day in 2020, I had a deep stirring within me to share a part of my story. I made a commitment to myself that day to continue sharing this piece of my story each year on December 11th. Over the past few years, I’ve started my share with a phrase that sounds something like… Every day of the last 21 years has been a gift. It’s a day that I will never forget. I typically go on to share the events of the day, but I’m not going to do that this year. I will say this though… things could have turned out very differently that day cool winter day in 2004… but God. He showed up in ways that I didn’t fully realize until over 17 years later. And I’m eternally grateful that I am a suicide statistic and not another life lost to suicide.
And this year, I find that I am still processing and healing a few things in myself. Because while we think we have fully healed from something, every now and then, God will help you dig down a little deeper so that you can find that one little crumb, that remnant that you’d been holding on to and refusing to let go of. So, here we are.
And because of that process, today has been the heaviest one thus far. I spent a bit of time today wondering if I’ve been a good steward of the gift I was given 21 years ago. Because the reality is, I know that I definitely didn’t deserve to be saved. I was a sinner. I was broken, damaged, hurting, toxic and a horrible version of myself. And the most mind blowing part for me is that I was NOT chasing after Jesus back then. I had been saved in elementary school and rededicated myself back in high school. But in reality wasn’t even a good CEO Christian back then (CEO stands for Christmas, Easter Only).
So yeah, Jesus didn’t have to save me that day. But He did! Events unfolded in a way that only He could have orchestrated. And I have spent a LOT of time today praising Him for choosing to save me. Jesus has showed up for me every day over the last 21 years; even when I was struggling to show up for Him. He has shown me His grace and mercy. He has been patient with me and loved me more than I can put into words. He has never given up on me. He has continued to teach me, grow me, shape me and use me. He has taken me places that I could never have imagined. Jesus loved me enough to save me and He loves you too!
And even though it’s been a heavy day, it’s also come with some precious moments as well. I had an opportunity to make a long overdue phone call to say “thank you” & “I love you” to someone who showed up in a way that I didn’t expect, but was exactly what I needed in that moment. And I honestly don’t know if I had even thanked him before or not, but I didn’t want today to pass by without him hearing me say those words. I had to choke back the tears, but I said them.
In addition to that, a brother in Christ sent a message this evening full of love and encouragement. And in reality, for me, it was out of the blue; however, I know that he was just being obedient to the Holy Spirit. So a big thank you Merle!! And I also want to thank Tiffany James for praying with me this evening. I truly appreciate your words and your obedience to the Holy Spirit as well. You both are HUGE blessings in my world & I thank God for you both!
I can’t put into words how thankful I am to be here today… to be writing this message. I’m not proud of that moment in my life. However, that day helped to shape me into the man that I am today. Now, I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again… suicide, depression, mental health & abuse should NOT be taboo topics in our country. Yet, they are. The taboo nature of those topics is what led me to the feeling & belief that I couldn’t talk to anyone about the things I was enduring and going thru. We should be doing better as a people. We shouldn’t be telling men that they shouldn’t have feelings other than happy or angry. We should be creating space where people feel safe enough to talk about these things. And I know that at this time of year, many people are struggling. Depression and suicide are more common around the holidays. So please, if you are struggling and need to talk to someone, please, I beg you, do so. And if you don’t feel that you can reach out to a friend or family member;, please call or text the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988. The service provides 24×7, free and confidential support. Never walk alone!! Because I promise you, you are NEVER alone. Even if you don’t believe it or see Him, Jesus is right there with you in your situation.
For more information: 988lifeline.org
If you want to hear more of my personal testimony, check out the RMRR website or YouTube channel for Episode 105: Mental Health & Suicide: How God Saved Me & Episode 303: Never Alone. We also released Special Edition 104: Mental Health Matters, a MEGA episode dealing with the topic of Mental Health & Suicide.